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closure is good, I guess. - hip hip queens-ray! kew them gardens. — LiveJournal
hands up *clap* *clap* hands down
closure is good, I guess.
First, thank you to everyone who left such wonderful comments. Your warm thoughts are greatly appreciated. I even got one from one of the coolest people in the world, the "town of terror" mac parody ad maker. Sometimes that comes into my mind randomly and I laugh, and I laugh. Not much laughing here.

My would have been mother in law has been crying all day, and trying to help me feel better. I got dumped today. She came and told me that she didn't love me (which is funny in a way because we used to play the "I love you more" game on the phone and as I told her today, I totally won.) and she also told me that she didn't want to marry me. She went upstairs with her mother and while her mother was on the phone tried throwing herself off the balcony.

I'm going home. I don't know where to go from here, really. I've spent most of my 25 years of life dreaming of getting married, having a family, etc. I can't imagine seeing anyone even on a date now, let alone a relationship. Hopefully at some point in time I will move on and maybe even meet a nice jewish girl that will really love me for who I am and not be all weird and self-destructive.

I keep blaming myself for this. I can't help but think this is my fault somehow. It's weird because everyone, my ex-fiance included, keeps trying to convince me that it's not at all my fault. That includes her mother, father, brothers, the city rabbi, his wife, all of her friends. But I can't seem to believe it. In my mind, it didn't work so it must have been my fault. Low self-esteem I guess.

I watched Deconstructing Harry tonight. It's true. The writing is so much easier to control. In art, you make something exactly as you want it - but life we have no control over. Rather, we have substantially less control over it. Alas.

feeling: : confused confused
la musique: : one of those songs on that flaming lips "yoshimi versus the pink robots" album that's in my head

6 commentaires and Leave a comment
From: airsickmoth Date: le 01 octobre 2002 17:21 (UTC) (Lien)
I'm glad a dumb thing I did made you feel better.
gordond From: gordond Date: le 01 octobre 2002 20:55 (UTC) (Lien)
'twasn't dumb, silly. Also, your comment was tremendously appreciated. :)

From: estokes Date: le 02 octobre 2002 06:08 (UTC) (Lien)

sorry it's late....

Welcome to the period of self-doubt and narrowly avoided self-loathing that's called rejection.
It sucks that you have to go through this...
gordond From: gordond Date: le 06 octobre 2002 05:21 (UTC) (Lien)

Re: sorry it's late....

just wish i could avoid said self-loathing. no no, must cry as well.
From: asleeponthebeac Date: le 02 octobre 2002 13:16 (UTC) (Lien)
a poignant piece of writing....i especially liked the "i love you more game" (that you won)....very real stuff....who hasnt been there? no words of comfort you probably dont want to hear from a stranger but.....do keep your chin up, wilbur =D
gordond From: gordond Date: le 02 octobre 2002 23:48 (UTC) (Lien)
the i love you game was every day, every night. she wanted to prove it by arm wrestling after the wedding but it seems unnecessary now. alas.

thank you for your kind words. :)
6 commentaires and Leave a comment