gordond (gordond) wrote,

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closure is good, I guess.

First, thank you to everyone who left such wonderful comments. Your warm thoughts are greatly appreciated. I even got one from one of the coolest people in the world, the "town of terror" mac parody ad maker. Sometimes that comes into my mind randomly and I laugh, and I laugh. Not much laughing here.

My would have been mother in law has been crying all day, and trying to help me feel better. I got dumped today. She came and told me that she didn't love me (which is funny in a way because we used to play the "I love you more" game on the phone and as I told her today, I totally won.) and she also told me that she didn't want to marry me. She went upstairs with her mother and while her mother was on the phone tried throwing herself off the balcony.

I'm going home. I don't know where to go from here, really. I've spent most of my 25 years of life dreaming of getting married, having a family, etc. I can't imagine seeing anyone even on a date now, let alone a relationship. Hopefully at some point in time I will move on and maybe even meet a nice jewish girl that will really love me for who I am and not be all weird and self-destructive.

I keep blaming myself for this. I can't help but think this is my fault somehow. It's weird because everyone, my ex-fiance included, keeps trying to convince me that it's not at all my fault. That includes her mother, father, brothers, the city rabbi, his wife, all of her friends. But I can't seem to believe it. In my mind, it didn't work so it must have been my fault. Low self-esteem I guess.

I watched Deconstructing Harry tonight. It's true. The writing is so much easier to control. In art, you make something exactly as you want it - but life we have no control over. Rather, we have substantially less control over it. Alas.

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