August 11th, 2002

alanis

stupidity

I am stupid. For once in my life I ignored nancy reagan's advice and i didn't just say no to drugs - prescription drugs, which were prescribed to a friend of mine. mild, but still not something to take like candy. this was a couple of days ago. of course julia was very upset when i told her. i hope she will forgive me and sitll want to marry me and what not. when we got off the phone we did the usual i love you / i love you more but this time i conceded that she did in fact love me more. there was lots of mail for me friday afternoon.

see, this last week was terrible. my supervisors always talk to me like i'm an idiot when in fact they are the ones who are completely culturally ignorant and also, for the most part, uneducated. dressing in fancy clothes but not knowing anything of literature or anything.... grr. and then they tell me to the most menial things and explain it as if i won't understand. a few times this week i was feeling so shitty that i really wanted to die, right there and then, at this stupid "job". this job which, when i got my check on friday, i was thinking 'uhm, whoa... that's a lot.'

there seem to be a lot of women zinesters in the zine scene on livejournal. instead of putting out lots of zines with the same themes and issues and what not, why not get together and put out one thing on nice paper which would have a nice big distributorship (thanks to the readers of all of the different zines getting the one zine) and people wouldn't have to buy 1 million different issues or something.... so tired. i saw celebrity tonight. it's true - love is so about luck. my roommate is just terribly unlucky - but his being overweight and socially inept could be a contributing factor. and the whole non caring no self-awareness. i think i notice if i gain even an ounce and i get all weird about it. and then i take the stairs at work even more than usual. i always feel fat. i always feel ugly. why do compliments always sound like bullshit but insults ring so true? i'm not chris's boyfriend, despite the fact that much of lower manhattan now thinks so.

i miss julia.
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alanis

i cried.

i looked at the date on my turning calendar, the perpetual one, and i put up a lovely photo as the desktop image, and i put on gershwin, and then i stared - and i stared and stared and then cried. and I cried, oh how i cried. i cried for the first time, for the first time since those fucks decided to hit us eleven months ago.

and i cried.
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